Is that you in the white hat?
Fine suit yourself
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
I don't remember much but I remember it was a unanimous decision that Santa was indeed real and Cait's stripping somehow proved this.
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
I rode a bull tonight, There is absolutely no reason my dick is not in some chicks mouth
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
Randomize
