I'm in a room alone pouting because I got the wrong nachos at taco bell.
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
you should be back in the room by now but just so you know. you passed out at the black jack table and they wheel chaired you out. strip club in about 45 minutes. game face bro.
screw it, I'll just be a stripper until next August when then are looking for suitable teachers to teach the future of America. it's like a feel good movie just a little out of order and im a dude.
Hey. I can't work your space dryer so I'm wearing your blanket home. I'll get my clothes later. Fun party!
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
Randomize
