No awkward lesbian experiences without me
i say over christmas we have a beer pong competition with the cousins and see who really has the best genes in the family.
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
If his smile makes you freak out and drop things imagine what his penis could do
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
So please don't worry, but I need some help getting blood out of my drywall so I can get my security deposit back. I would not ask if the need was not great.
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
Dude like i feel like i did ALL OF THE DRUGS yesterday
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
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