How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
Dude she has a bf and shes on lockdown more than Nelson Mandela in 95
the last thing i remember is fucking her. GAME CHANGER i woke up in another bedroom to her younger sister blowing me
my grandma was just praying before dinner, and before she could finish my gpa lifted his glass and said 'and here's to avatar!'
this chick on a show just showed her boobs and let some guy paint them others asked why she did it and her reply i quote "i was bored" why dont chicks get bored more often
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
A guy claiming to be the Japanese counterpart to the White Power Ranger is trying to take me home....
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Randomize
