I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
Did you know the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders have an exercise show ON Demand? Yeah, I had a lonely night
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
i think my cat just said my name.
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
So is seeing the guy's penis that I'm talking to something you're into or nah?
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
I may or may not be drinking in a church parking lot.
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