My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
I don't know what part of vegas I'm in but its definately the wrong part
We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
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