It saddens me that girls will never know the wonder feeling of pulling your sweaty nutsack off of your leg.
Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
What part of "you pissed in the tent" do you not understand?
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
She kept telling people I wrecked her brain. That high.
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
Randomize
