Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
He tried to say the picture wasn't him. Like I'd forget his curved boner.
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
This morning confirmed it...there's no maybe about it. She definitely wasn't born with it. It was definitely the Maybelline.
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
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