today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
Let's just say I've never been so continually aware of my nipples before.
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
I suggest both. Please have sex with them and prepare notes for a final comparison.
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
Randomize
