Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
This is going to be the summer remembered forever as the giant 3 month long mushroom trip.
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
congrats on being the token straight people in our group.
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
Randomize
