she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
we should start a freak-out-the-cashier-contest. I just bought JerseyShore Season2, red high heels, and nipple soothing pads
My life has hit a new low, I just licked MDMA of someone's bed.
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
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