hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
We have ur drink. Mom passed out in the bathroom. I'm goin to the other bathroom. Bs at the top of the stairs on way outside.
Randomize
