Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
It was pathetic and I was covered in butter
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
Chilling on my porch debating between pre work drinking or video games and getting high.
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
She calls him the walking dildo to his face. That relationship is already fucked up.
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
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