I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
we are out of drugs. and patience. please bring former.
We just had a sexually tense moment where we both chose the trough the pee. I love gay clubs.
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
Your the only person to come back from spring break with a non std related infection
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
My hookup from last weekend apparently got arrested today... his roommate just tagged me on facebook asking for bail money.
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
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