My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
dude, i turned on the light and asked if they were ok and they STILL didn't stop. Most determined sex EVER.
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
it's a drink the shower water kind of morning ...
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
Well I just found the most comfortable way to pass out on my toilet if I ever have to.
Its a good thing to know for upcoming events.
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
How don't you remember..? You were getting handfuls of skittles out from our bra screaming TASTE THE RAINBOW.
I can't dude. Last time I was there, I blew the bartender in the bathroom at last call.
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
Randomize
