Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
Apparently senior citizens don't like that position
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
NEVERCLEAR, NEVER AGAIN.
She was like the Rudy of blow jobs... SO much effort into it
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
I can't even express how horny I am. The English language isn't equipped for what I'm plotting.
My dad just said "fuck circus"
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
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