i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
yeah i just made her a character on oregon trail and i hope she gets dysentry and dies. that'll show her.
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
We sang "Whole New World" in harmony and he spun me around. You may now barf from the cuteness.
Article 1, law 1, section 1 of the apartment 25 party handbook: tarp will be purchased prior to any and all future parties. Aforementioned tarp will be placed on floor. Any and all sick patrons must relocate to tarp preceding the event of expulsion of bodily fluids. Failure to do so will result in ejection of guilty patron and banishment of the accused from succeeding party. All patrons must read and sign a copy before entry is granted.
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
literally 50% of my time being 20 has involved my genitals thus far
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
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