so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
if im not pregnant im gonna be so pissed for spending the money from my weed fund on the test
wow, a mother in the making
i just missed the spain goal because i was puking in the bathroom. damn you open bar.
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
Science requires me to take a picture of your nipples.
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
That song just makes me wanna take off my top and shake my titties all around the club.
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
Randomize
