CONQUERED: Sean from next door. Just wanted to let you know ;)
How many people did you send this to?
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
2 showers later and I'm still finding cum on random body parts of mine
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
Snuck into a camper in someone's yard. Hotboxing. Can't wait until they go in it.
She grabbed both of our dicks in the pool then said repeatedly, "this is my dream, this is my dream,"
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
She made me pour olive oil on her.
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
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