i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
if hell is full of stilettos, fake tans, bleached hair, overused make-up, drawn out s's and blatent bitchiness, then i'm in hell right now.
Lol welcome to greek life
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
Dude. I've never been with a guy who just wanted to go down on me all the time including while I'm shooting zombies on call of duty. My life is complete.
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
I don't WANT a sex disease! Especially one assigned to me by my supervisor..
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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