Can't talk. I'm at the Tulsa Sheriff's office with a bunch of rednecks. I bet I'm the only one that voted for Obama.
I bet you're the only one who could read the ballott.
She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
Hypothetical question: If I threw up in the dishwasher do I clean it up or just turn it on? :(
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
I'm pretty sure I have a cold now from having sex on the hood of my car in the rain. Worth it? Absolutely.
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
he said good things come in small packages and I decided to hook up with someone else
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
why isn't there a kind of gay where i let guys give me head but they don't expect me to give it back? i could be that kind of gay
He was that good?
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
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