Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
Interestingly im still mad at you for the time we got high and you tried to hump me.
Lol thats a classic
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
Rebecca hasn't has this number in 3 months. Please tell all her friends to stop calling at 3 am. We are not interested in buying or selling drugs nor do we want to hook up with anyone. You all need to go to rehab.
I think I ejaculated my soul out.
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
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