Ehh boy. FML. she was unattractively large.
We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
Dude..TWLOHA day. gonna write LOVE on my arms before going to the bar tonight. its like a pussy guarantee.
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
We dated for a month and a half. he didn't like blow jobs. I honestly don't think he was human.
its the pipe that keeps on giving. Just when I think it's done, I scrape just enough. It's a st. Patrick's day miracle!
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
Randomize
