Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
He might not have any marketable talents, but the kid dry humps like no other.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
Tent sex on an air mattress requires balance and flexibility. Not for the faint of heart
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
and then you proceeded to throw soup at him for calling you a bitch...a CAN of soup...
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
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