dude just tell them you don't wear clothes. they'll understand
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
Normal people don't sit around and watch Degrassi for twelve hours...
FUCK YOU.
He just slept in my bed for a couple hours and asked lots of questions about gay sex. No, I do not have his number.
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
I slept with a Brazillian Man, That's why I'm Watching The World Cup
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
leave me alone I'm becoming one with nature and doing plant things
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