I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
he climbed up to our party on the 2nd floor balcony and then pulled a glass mug and a beer from his knapsack. these freshmen are intense
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
should I tell them that both of them had sex with me last Saturday? it might be a relationship builder type of thing you know?
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
I appreciate your acceptance of my lack of morals
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
Randomize