how was the sex?
he smelled like pickles and burnt hair.
well, there's that.
took shots out of a medicine cup. i can get used to college.
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
He could tell i had a fever by feeling my tits. He gets docter of the year.
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
I woke up in my basement holding someone else's underwear and a bottle of mouthwash . I wish I could explain more than that but i can't remember ...
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
Randomize
