I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
Just saw ur first draft of ur suicide note.
You spelled "worthless" wrong.
I can't belive they dont sell booze Sunday mornings. I mean some of us have to work
Does the blue bra belong to your sister or cousin?
Bjs on a first date are the gateway to getting to know someone for who they really are.
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
Walking towards a police car with full spotlights on you while being fully erect..awkward exp. for both parties
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
Randomize