If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
someone just puked in the library. they put up caution tape. i totally underestimated finals week.
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
and it seems i've caught your masturbating bug. thanks.
That's like the cock version of a mortal kombat fatality.
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
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