Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
I can coach you back to consumption. Think of it kinda like Rocky II.
Well I went on a freakin rampage and destroyed a fan and claimed that it wasn't doing its fan duties... Then I knocked on everybody's doors in the hall and asked if they were content with their fan's performance and if not I would take care of it...
the mechanics of walkigng feel weird right now everyone lools like a demon
what does alcohol mean
After I was kicked out of the last frat I blacked out, woke up in the hospital with no clothes no phone and no idea what happened last night. But i got hospital socks, thats a win in my book.
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
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