I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
Facebook stalking a girl from Germany is harder then you think.you have to copy and paste all this shit into freetranslations.com then try and piece together an awkward sentence. If only I could put this energy into something productive.
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
Are we sharing a room, or can I pack my vibrator?
Yes to both. We'll use the workout rotation from dorm life.
She wanted me to watch her masterbate and after she thanked me for a wonderful evening and left. This state is weird.
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
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