She's never had brie before last night, don't know if I can date a girl that doesn't like soft cheeses.
The dean held back my hair as I was puking after graduation. That means so much more than a diploma and a handshake.
i just got cum up my nose. i would have expected more from the captain of the men's lacrosse team
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
She said "oh yeah" like Hulk Hogan with the muscle flex and everything. Totally digging this chick
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
It's has to do with my genitals. Don't ask.
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
If u could sum last night up in one word?
omgwtfpineapple
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
Randomize
