i'm going to rape that little man
omg not your brother
he just fed my chickens on farmville...i guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex<3
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
That's all? I'm a pro at gay chicken. I'll touch his dick, I have no problem with that.
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
