You are a beautiful, beautiful young lady. Your heart is made of tissue, blood and love. I will call you very soon, Princess Sophia.
just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
Although I love the reason it was done, can you maybe not show pictures of my dick to all your friends at parties? I like to present my penis in my own special way. thanks
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
I'm trying to get fucked by 4 girls here, and you're worried about verb tenses?!
Girl you know I'm an advocate of debauchery but you might wanna check yoself.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
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