I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
Mind blown. Apparently, it's PRErogative, not PERogative. I blame Bobby Brown.
I'm at the bar and I just saw some unnecessary and accidental cooter...sometimes I think girls need a license to go out pantyless in public.
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
so exactly how many freshman chicks did i tell to call me "the tripod"?
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
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