Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
seriously i just wanna be friends
pass
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
i secretly love the power trip of being their RA & busting these idiots for everything i did as a freshman
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
Randomize