guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
a search helicopter?!
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
It's not that I even wanna fuck these guys anymore, just cuddle that's all. My conscience has never been so proud.
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
Have you ever been anal in a bush on the Vegas strip drunk?
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
Randomize
