the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
Finished drinking tea out of a red party cup when I was done I flipped it without even thinking
oh man. maybe i should puke on his dick? just to test how much he loves me?
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
just fucked two guys in less than 12 hours. i miss this part of being single.
and by single i mean slutty
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
i agree, on both the sex thing and the unrepentant bastard thing
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
Randomize
