you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
i got a blow job in the bathroom during intermission at the hockey game. i'm pretty sure i made Canada proud.
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
is it just my freshly shaved vagina or is the guy at the end of the table pretty cute??
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
I also turned off the Anchorman DVD start menu before cause I didn't want Will Ferrel watching me lose my virginity.
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
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