I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
Just found out for my occult lit class (history of cults) final project is making a spellbook. Hello last term of college.
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
I'm up in my room and I just saw a naked guy sprint out into the streets from my mom's party downstairs
I know. His dick was small at the top and got bigger at the bottom, like a fucking curling wand.
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
There's a big ass bed, hella ecstasy, and I can guarantee you'll regret every second that you remember.
Randomize
