I just found that girl ____ on facebook, her activities include "church nursery" yikes
and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
She had another shot and asked if I wanted to taste her tongue ring. Then I helped her pee.
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
decided to jump from one of the levels of the Westin chicago Nortghwest. it was worth the broken legs.
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
Well, I have no idea where my underwear is, so yea I would say it was a good weekend.
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
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