Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
Like. I probably should fuck him. I owe him for breaking his thumb.
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
I AM CRUING IT IS 93:2 AM AND I AM CYGIN INT BED
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
isnt it crazy how for years we were living our owns lives, and now only a wall seperates us?
stop. eating. my. shrooms.
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
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