so I found out that he is the older brother of a friend of mine from high school
awkward
no it got awkward about 40mins later when he invited me to stay the night...with him and his girlfriend.
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
I've had to do a couple req orders today and I would like to submit to you an order form to requisition DAT ASS
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
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