the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
I got a message from the hook up gods today that it's time to move on. It came in the form of me being shoved in a closet naked and stuck in there for 30 min well he watched boy meets world with his brother.
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
We sat at the bar and made fun of everyone around us. I'm in love
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
The work outs are working. Someone just said my body type was “Tits On A Stick”.
Randomize
