Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
Made dad pull of the highway twice on the way home so I could puke. Yeah i'd say we ended the semester well.
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
It kind if looked like a strap-on dressed up for Halloween.
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
Please don't give away my fajitas
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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