I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
I can't wait for round whatever # we're on tonight.
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
couldn't remember his name. introduced him as 'mr multiple orgasms'
Ran into my FWB on my walk of shame and went back to her place. Even my walk of shames are awesome!!!
Randomize
