Ugh, here's a dating tip. Hairy legs are a major turn off
she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
You're always so generous when it comes to your dick.
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
This is my life. Enjoy the view
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
Randomize
