Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
drunk waterpark is besst waterpark.
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
Randomize
