i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
So I just introduced myself to this guy in front of me and now he's saving my pictures on facebook to his phone..
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
Just slather his penis with BBQ sauce
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
I don't wanna see it, I don't wanna touch it, I just want it in me.
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