I murdered the dance floor call the cops
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
It'd be like medium rare by now.
I love how we're talking about your vagina like it's a piece of meat.
So hungover. Sitting in class about to puke during this ladys flute performance. Not sure why were having a flute concert in biology
im not even sure if i fucked her just woke up in her closet.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
I think I may be stoned foreverrrrrrrrr. The earth has been around for a long time.
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
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