I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
Just got a hand job during Charlie St.cloud I honestly never thought Id thank Zac Efron fir one of his movies but thank you
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
He always takes home straight guys. He plays One Night Stand on Ledgendary Mode
That idiot. I'll see him on campus and he'll try and touch me like we're friends or some shit. 1.you're ugly 2. You dropped the blunt in the pool
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
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