I like my sex mixed with concussions.
You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
dont iron anything. we fucked on the ironing board. details to follow.
I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.
We lost our room key and found it in his pocket with 3 pieces of fish.
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
It's the third day of class and I got told I smell like a distillery.
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
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