Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
when the lights went off, all i could see was the glowing of the camera light in the closet... i got the fuck out of there so fast.
she told me i tasted like america
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
yeah we're all naked, and I think we just shaved Chad.
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
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