The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
if we dont hook up this weekend, im doing both his roommates
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
I thought monday through wednesday was a YOLO free zone.
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
My one night stand ended up seeing me the next morning... For my interview. Guess who got a job.
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