Don't be scared. It'll feel very good. And you'll be clean afterwards. I'm growling right now.
New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
He just kept repeating "not with an octopus" over and over for hours. Soooooo Porn Dare was a succes.
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
WINE AND FILM. TALK ABOUT AN UPGRADE FROM NETFLIX AND CHILL.
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
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