yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
The Worst (noun)- 1. Getting up at 6am after a night of drinking. 2. Wearing a Peter Rabbit costume.
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
she fell through a window trying to flash someone
I gotta find new tactics tho. There's just so many tied up dicks one can look at before part of your soul dies.
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
I just group texted a dick pic. Wonder who'll respond back first. Ashley Stacey or my stepmom
Saddle up bitches, we're going to an orgy.
Randomize