Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
Standing in a circle of girls fistpumping to the word "hospital" while taking shots.... I don't see this ending well, but its fucking fun.
Just slept with a female bodybuilder. not cute. but it was like fucking hulk hogan with a twat. Beastly.
im so disgusted with myself. funny thing was i lasted 15 seconds. she benches 325
Did you blackout Saturday before or after we had sex in a random snow bank?
She just won 2 Grammys at 17 and were sitting here hotboxing our half bathroom
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
I was sending him tit pics while watching how to train your dragon 2. It was everything.
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
Listen I don't care what it's called as long as it's drugs
Randomize
