I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
First I must say that I am disappointed to learn that you knowingly have trashy friends with whom you've not hooked me up.
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
You guys don't happened to be dressed as gladiators, do you?
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
I was so high I watched a 5 minute video of different scenes of horses running. The music was magical.
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
Elliott peed on my floor and slept in it lol that's a one line description.
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Randomize
