I'm towing my little brother down the road on a sixty year old tractor, we're taking up the whole highway, and no one cares. I love South Dakota.
They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
You're a waste of cheezeits
This weekend I turned down sex to watch the Star Wars marathon... Is this growing up?
he ended the message XOXO, who the fuck does he think he is GossipGirl.
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