i wish i could watch tv and lissten to music at the same time...but still understand both
i think otters can do that
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
just found his boxers balled up inside my tights, hidden in my freezer. damn i love college.
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
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