I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
Puking green right now......... jaimison mcflurry very bad idea
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
Randomize
