i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
Subtly mention that I'm not a lesbian. I would only go for rebecca's nipples because they're pierced and I like shiny things.
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
Yeah even if I got stabbed it would be worth it
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
Randomize
