Seeya bye Latvian government! Whammy!
ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
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