Asian hipster sighting. About to tackle him and ask him to take me to chinatown
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
Their was just 7 people standing outside eating a costco chicken, definitley at the right party
Things I can say. There is a photo of me pouring whipped cream into a midgets mouth.
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
I just had my first lesbian experience. Out of spite.
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
Randomize
